Most (if not all) of you who know me will know that I’m a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints (Mormon). Growing up, I think I was the only Mormon at my school (besides my brothers). I wasn’t afraid or embarrassed to let people know, but I didn’t parade it around either.
Especially as a teenager, being a member of the church and actively following my beliefs made me pretty “uncool” and I probably did stand out a bit because there were a lot of things that “everyone” was doing that I wasn’t.
I think for a lot of people who have grown up in religious families, those teenage years are really when you start to think for yourself and question your beliefs. Religious or not, its in our teenage years that we really begin to figure out who we are and what’s important to us.
For me I think it was probably around the age of 15 that I “gained my testimony” which is a phrase used a lot at church but probably sounds strange to someone outside of it. Basically it means that the experiences I had had in my life up until that point confirmed to me the reality of my beliefs. So at 15 I was choosing to follow the teachings of the church because I believed them to be true not just because my parents did or it was expected of me.
At 21 I decided to “serve a mission”. This is another common phrase within the church but for those unfamiliar with it... I went overseas for 18 months and spent every day sharing my beliefs with others. For someone who doesn’t even like talking to people on the phone that was a HUGE thing for me to do 😅 wayyy out of my comfort zone. I did it because I truly believe that’s what God wanted me to do. That might sound silly to some of you but I wish I could explain the overwhelming feelings I had. How I was so uncertain at that point in my life... I prayed for guidance and that was the answer... it was not something I ever wanted or imagined myself doing but there was absolutely no doubt that I was meant to do it.
The experiences I had as a missionary in England and Wales are such a huge part of who I am. I can’t even put into words how important and cherished they are to me. There were things that happened there that have completely solidified my testimony and my beliefs. Things that feel too close to my heart to write down here. I will always look back at that time in my life with fondness and gratitude. Yes it was hard but I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I hadn’t gone.
Is it kind of ironic or hypocritical that the title of this post is “Why I still go to church” and today is Sunday, the day I should’ve gone to church and I didn’t go?
I’m going to be real honest here and say that I’m at a point in my life where I’ll admit that going to church is not the easiest thing for me...Don’t panic mum and dad it’s got nothing to do with my testimony...
My testimony is as strong as ever.
I’ve been struggling with the day to day of being a first time mum. Oscar had a terrible night last night and I barely slept. I decided not to go to church.
I wanted to share this because I want to be real. I’m sick of people pretending that everything is ok when it’s not. I feel guilty because I’m not loving being a mum as much as I thought I would. I feel guilty because on Sunday morning I wake up and don’t feel like going to church. Does this mean I’m a bad person?...
...I think it means I’m human...
We all struggle at times
The reason why I keep going to church is because despite all the difficulties in life and all the reasons why I should stop believing... I can’t deny the way I feel.
I know in my heart that it’s good and right and true so even though I didn’t go today and I’m sure there will be more days that I don’t go... I’m going to keep going.
Especially as a teenager, being a member of the church and actively following my beliefs made me pretty “uncool” and I probably did stand out a bit because there were a lot of things that “everyone” was doing that I wasn’t.
I think for a lot of people who have grown up in religious families, those teenage years are really when you start to think for yourself and question your beliefs. Religious or not, its in our teenage years that we really begin to figure out who we are and what’s important to us.
For me I think it was probably around the age of 15 that I “gained my testimony” which is a phrase used a lot at church but probably sounds strange to someone outside of it. Basically it means that the experiences I had had in my life up until that point confirmed to me the reality of my beliefs. So at 15 I was choosing to follow the teachings of the church because I believed them to be true not just because my parents did or it was expected of me.
At 21 I decided to “serve a mission”. This is another common phrase within the church but for those unfamiliar with it... I went overseas for 18 months and spent every day sharing my beliefs with others. For someone who doesn’t even like talking to people on the phone that was a HUGE thing for me to do 😅 wayyy out of my comfort zone. I did it because I truly believe that’s what God wanted me to do. That might sound silly to some of you but I wish I could explain the overwhelming feelings I had. How I was so uncertain at that point in my life... I prayed for guidance and that was the answer... it was not something I ever wanted or imagined myself doing but there was absolutely no doubt that I was meant to do it.
The experiences I had as a missionary in England and Wales are such a huge part of who I am. I can’t even put into words how important and cherished they are to me. There were things that happened there that have completely solidified my testimony and my beliefs. Things that feel too close to my heart to write down here. I will always look back at that time in my life with fondness and gratitude. Yes it was hard but I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I hadn’t gone.
Is it kind of ironic or hypocritical that the title of this post is “Why I still go to church” and today is Sunday, the day I should’ve gone to church and I didn’t go?
I’m going to be real honest here and say that I’m at a point in my life where I’ll admit that going to church is not the easiest thing for me...Don’t panic mum and dad it’s got nothing to do with my testimony...
My testimony is as strong as ever.
I’ve been struggling with the day to day of being a first time mum. Oscar had a terrible night last night and I barely slept. I decided not to go to church.
I wanted to share this because I want to be real. I’m sick of people pretending that everything is ok when it’s not. I feel guilty because I’m not loving being a mum as much as I thought I would. I feel guilty because on Sunday morning I wake up and don’t feel like going to church. Does this mean I’m a bad person?...
...I think it means I’m human...
We all struggle at times
The reason why I keep going to church is because despite all the difficulties in life and all the reasons why I should stop believing... I can’t deny the way I feel.
I know in my heart that it’s good and right and true so even though I didn’t go today and I’m sure there will be more days that I don’t go... I’m going to keep going.
You can do hard things Jade, and that might mean going to church when you least feel like it. Go anyway, and partake of the sacrament. I think a General Authority put it well recently by saying, rather than just 'endure to the end', try and 'enjoy to the end' :)
ReplyDeleteYou’ve always set a good example of going to church no matter what. (Same with prayers and scriptures and FHE) This is most of ever struggled with it but just like you’ve set the example for me, I want that for Oscar so don’t worry I’ll keep going
DeleteYou are amazing! You have been such a big part of my life and reading this post it seemed like we were in the couch together and talking together. You are one strong woman and I love you so much.
ReplyDeleteOh Kida you’re making me feel emotional! Thank you for your kind words. I’m so glad we got to serve together, love you so much xx
DeleteWell done for not going, I think it is very real and makes your belief authentic.
ReplyDeleteHow lucky that your parents description of god and universal phenomena resonate in you.
Thanks Jantina xx
DeleteThank you for sharing this. Certainly something that I needed to read today. Now I’m sure I need to catch up on the rest of your blog posts :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Leilani,
DeleteGlad you got something from it xx