Round and round

I seem to be stuck in a cycle…

I’ll be “on top of things” ticking off my to-do list, feeling like things are finally starting to “get better”…

Then I start slipping into familiar, unhelpful patterns and get I stuck there, feeling weighed down by life and like nobody understands me or knows how to support me.

I’ve put a lot of time, effort and money into trying all sorts of therapies, methods and products that are intended to help me “heal”: Psychologists, life coaches, self-help books, medications, herbal medicines, journalling, affirmations, yoga & meditation- I feel like I’ve tried everything! But nothing really sticks. 

Some things help for a while but I inevitably “give up” and slide right back to where I was at the beginning. It’s incredibly frustrating. It’s hard for me to see any progress when I keep going round in circles. 

I know that recovery is a life long journey, that there’s not a “magic pill” that will solve my problems, but it’s hard not to feel discouraged when I continue to feel this deep pain inside me every day. 

When people start giving me advice and telling me “you should do this or that” I just shut down. I’m tired of being told what to do. I’m trying my best. I’m going to keep trying and trying and hope that one day I can feel at ease and feel like things are ok again.

I think a lot of people are “fixers” and can’t help giving advice or trying to solve other people’s problems…but more often than not, that’s not what the other person wants. I know it’s not what I want…I want validation and empathy; to feel seen and heard…I have a lot of built up pain and resentment because those needs aren’t being adequately met.

I’ve learned a LOT on this healing journey that I am on. I am very self aware, and although I don’t feel like I have made much progress, I do think I have gained a deep understanding of where I am and where I want to be, the challenge is to just to connect those dots.

I’ll get there eventually.