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Broken Record

I can’t believe it’s almost June!
Time flies when you're having...well I haven't really been having much fun lately, but time is still flying! 😅

My blog must sound like a broken record by this point...I'll be "doing well" for a few weeks, then I will inevitably feel as though I've fallen down a hole again. I'm back in the hole right now. My depression feels heavier than it has been in a long time. I struggle to leave the house some days. I withdraw, stuck in a loop of sad, sorry stories I've told myself so often that I've convinced myself they are true. "Nobody loves you" "Nobody cares about you" "You're a terrible mum" "Oscar deserves so much better than you" "You're a failure"...The critical voice inside my head is relentless and unforgiving, continuously kicking me when I'm down.

It's incredibly frustrating to be so self-aware, yet feel so paralyzed at the same time... To "know better", yet still feel so out of control. My addictions aren't as shameful and taboo as others' but they are still harmful...too much of anything is never a good thing...Why is it when we are hurting, that we turn to things that will ultimately hurt us even more?

And this is why I find myself going round in circles...I am hurting deep, down to my core. There's only so much distracting and suppressing you can do until there's just no more room left inside...you're left to sit with yourself and face your demons. I know what is at the root of my problems...every therapy session winds it's way back to it...what I don't know how to do is solve the problem. I feel like I've tried everything...honestly at this point I feel like some kind of shock therapy is my best bet! (kind of joking kind of not 😅)

I feel like such a schmuck...starting up a blog, a support group, trying to be a mental health advocate...and not even being able to be in control of my own mental health...
I wanted to reach that illusive destination of "recovery" and help others to get there too...instead I'm at home in my pyjamas at 2pm polishing off a block of chocolate. I'll smile and nod when people give me advice and then do the exact opposite. 

Maybe one day I'll hit the jackpot and everything will fall into place...Or maybe I just need to be more realistic and accept that my "recovery" will still include days like this. I'm not a complete mess after all, I have it together 50% of the time at least 😅 

Anyways, I know that my openness might feel uncomfortable for some, but I have found it so helpful to share and I thank those of you who have been supportive.

If you're in struggle town too, at least you know you're not alone...I hope things get better for us both 💓




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