It’s 1:30am and I should be sleeping
But I’m wide awake with a million thoughts buzzing around in my head
I thought I’d dust off the old blog and type it all out…I enjoy sharing these things with the world
Every now and then I scroll back on my old posts and read what “past Jade” had to say about life. I did that this evening and a peculiar thing happened…I feel like it woke up parts of my brain that hadn’t been used for a while… hear me out here, I’m not going cuckoo I swear 😅
“Past Jade” saw the world differently to “Present Jade”. She was a little more naive and optimistic; her thoughts were lighter, happier, more grateful, more spiritual.
“Present Jade” seems to be stuck in some unhelpful and unpleasant thought patterns. Life feels heavy and I often feel overwhelmed and unenthused…focused on my problems, not my blessings.
Looking back on my life through “Past Jade’s” eyes made me think about things a little differently; challenging the gloomy and self-deprecating thoughts that frequent my mind in the present.
Over the last few years I’ve become even more introverted and withdrawn, and while I’m sure that lockdown didn’t help this, we’re not locked up anymore, and I would still prefer to stay at home thanks 😅
I’ve received diagnosis after diagnosis- a smorgasbord of mental and physical illnesses…and I’ve really identified with them and defined myself by them. My views and feelings towards myself have become increasingly negative and helpless.
I spend a lot of time inside my head, and on social media. It’s been a great outlet for me to express myself, form connections and feel some kind of purpose…but at the same time I’ve been neglecting myself. Stuck in habits that do not nourish my mind, body or spirit. I am forever seeking to improve myself, to break free from my unhealthy and unhelpful patterns, but find myself continually slinking back into my little nest I’ve made…it feels comfortable there, even though it’s not good for me.
One thing I am proud of though, and one thing that really lights me up right now are these Mother’s Circles I’ve started running. I’ve held two of them so far, with another one happening in a couple of days. I wish I could convey the feeling they give me, the way they fill my soul and soothe my aching heart. I feel things so deeply and that is why I think I’m so prone to depression. It all just feels too heavy and too much most of the time. But in these circles I feel lifted up. I feel like my truest self. I feel at home.
I’m nervous as hell about running this online circle with a bunch of women I’ve never met. I feel unqualified and inadequate, a big old case of imposter syndrome. But while I was in this headspace of “past Jade” I thought…you know what? I don’t need to worry so much about what people might think. I don’t need to compare myself to other circle facilitators that seem to be so much more confident and competent…I have a passion and spark in me for this, and that’s what will make it a success. I shouldn’t doubt myself, because I do have a lot to offer. I am kind and gentle and empathetic, I have a genuine interest in listening to other people’s stories. I know that this is what I should be doing, and it’s a great feeling to finally find that sense of purpose.
Keeping a journal and reflecting back on it can be so beneficial- I highly recommend it. We are so much more than our current limiting beliefs. Who’s to stop you from chasing your dreams and living a fulfilling life? Most of the time it’s just ourselves that get in the way…
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