I’m frustrated with myself.
As my last post indicated, I started the year happy, hopeful and progressing...
The last few weeks however, I feel like I’ve gone backwards.
Melbourne went into lockdown again (Thankfully for only 5 days this time!) and I feel like I just fell into a hole when that happened.
Oscar was sick for pretty much the whole lockdown which didn’t help and definitely contributed to my low mood... but I don’t know, something just snapped and it was like the “everything is ok” facade that I was so determined to uphold slipped and broke. All of a sudden I was just a big old emotional mess again.
I’ll admit I did wallow in it for those 5 days. Healthy eating and exercise was replaced with slothfulness and over-eating. I felt overwhelmed with sadness and flooded with all those negative thoughts and feelings that I’ve been working so hard to overcome.
It was awful. I felt out of control. I didn’t want to stay in this headspace and I needed help. I prayed for comfort. I prayed and asked that my burdens would be made lighter.
I am so grateful to know that Heavenly Father is there for me. That He will always listen to my problems. That hope and peace and comfort will be provided when I ask in sincerity. After pouring out my heart to Him, I was reminded that the most important thing is that I keep trying. That I need to be kinder and more patient with myself. We all fall down, it’s normal and necessary at times. After we fall we need to pick ourselves back up and just keep trying.
It was another reality check for me. Another important lesson I needed to learn. Recovery/ Healing isn’t linear. I was hoping I would keep going from strength to strength. That the happy days would replace the sad ones. That I would reach all my goals and there’d be no going backwards!
It’s just not realistic. It’s normal to fall down or go backwards at times. It can be an uphill battle and sometimes it all just feels too hard. But all of us, no matter what our challenges are, have the strength to overcome, the strength to face opposition. There is always help available even when you feel completely alone. I know that God is real because He helps me when I feel like no one else can.
Meeting with my psychologist this week really helped me to understand the “whys” behind what I’m going through and after our session I felt so much lighter. It’s so helpful for me to come away from each session with steps to follow to help me move forwards.
I’m still not feeling 100% but I’ve climbed out of that hole and I’m moving in the right direction.
I always have doubts about sharing my story so publicly, but I just think it’s so important to talk about mental health. My hope is that someone else reading this, going through similar things, may feel reassured by words or at the very least feel less alone in their struggles. If you ever need someone to talk to who “gets it” I’m always here ❤️
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