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All my cards on the table

This is a little scary for me to open up about but I feel like my previous posts have been leading up to it and I’m just continuing on from where I left off...
This week I finally built up the courage to talk to a professional about my mental health. If I am being completely honest with myself I have to admit that overall I am not doing ok. I have moments where I feel ok, moments of happiness, moments of peace, moments of satisfaction but most of the time I have a lingering feeling of anxiety and a tendency for my thoughts to spiral and dwell on the negative. I have grown used to not getting a good nights sleep, but after particularly bad nights I do feel quite down and depressed. I used to think that mental illness looked the same on everyone...I had a stereotypical picture of what depression and anxiety was and because I didn’t look like that picture, I thought that I didn’t have those problems...for the longest time I’ve been in denial and kept telling myself I’m fine, I’ll be fine...because I was terrified to admit there was something wrong with me...

I’ve opened up to certain people about certain things, even posted on this blog some of the things I’ve been feeling...but speaking to the counselor the other day I was finally able get it all off my chest, to say the things that I haven’t felt comfortable to say, and the things that others haven’t known how to help me with. I was really nervous to begin with... I don’t enjoy talking on the phone at the best of times... but the woman I spoke to had a kind and gentle nature. She was very understanding and empathetic. She helped me to feel validated as she explained to me how common it was for new mums to go through what I’m going through. Talking about it didn’t  make the problems go away, but it did lift a little weight off my shoulders which have been feeling so very heavy...

I have looked forward to being a mother my whole life. Cried many tears as I waited to find the right person to start a family with, then many more tears as I waited to fall pregnant. The day Oscar was born was truly one of the most wonderful moments of my life and he continues to warm my heart every day with his beautiful smile and contagious laugh. I haven’t wanted to admit my personal struggles with motherhood because I didn’t want it to seem like I was ungrateful... I felt I shouldn’t complain because “this is what I wanted”.

I love Oscar with all my heart and being his mother has brought so much joy into my life...
I do feel though that being a mother is as equally heart-breaking as it is heart-filling. For me personally I’m finding that all the ugly thoughts and feelings I’ve buried over the years are coming up to the surface...I have unhealthy coping mechanisms that I need to work on... I’m surrounded by supportive people but I’ve never felt more alone...I’ve completely lost myself and I’m trying to rediscover what makes me ME.

There will be people who read this that think I’m over-sharing... that this is too personal... people who read this who perhaps don’t like me or what I have to say... what I hope is that there are some people reading who have felt the same way... maybe there are some of you who have been burying their feelings or have been in denial like me... afraid to let people know you’re not ok...
I’m grateful for my friend who encouraged me to make that phone call.
Such a simple action but it felt huge.

If you’re in the same boat as me I recommend giving PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia) a call. It helped me and sometimes just hearing that is the push you need to get help for yourself xx


Comments

  1. Twitter Qrstuv_RileyApril 19, 2020 at 9:13 PM

    Anxiety and depression are not at all unusual, but when they become persistent, life becomes so much more difficult. Add to this a lack of sleep and it becomes a very dangerous combination. If it helps, take heart from the fact that you are much loved and needed. I like watching how Oscar's face lights up when you sing to him, and I hope that you are making time to sing and play your guitar. It will bring you and others much joy. Love, Dad.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. JadeApril 19, 2020 at 10:31 PM

      Thanks Dad ❤️
      Let’s make sure we keep up the video chats. Maybe I’ll even have a little jam with you on harmonica šŸ˜‰

      Delete
    2. JantinaApril 21, 2020 at 10:44 PM

      Well done for making the phone call and sharing your journey.

      Delete
    3. JadeApril 22, 2020 at 1:00 PM

      Thank you xx

      Delete

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