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Finally some answers

It’s been a while since I’ve posted.


My most recent diagnosis has been weighing heavy on me, it’s been a tough few months…


“I think you have bipolar disorder,” The psychiatrist announced during our first session back in July.


The words echoed in my ears as I left her office and got back into the car. As soon as I shut the door, I just broke down…sobbing uncontrollably for the whole drive home. 


The diagnosis made sense. It was relieving to finally have answers…but I was frustrated…Why was this not picked up sooner?! Why did it have to take 3 years? 


Those 3 years were harder than I ever could have imagined…not a day went by that I wasn’t consumed by the internal battle in my mind.


Mental illness is such a difficult thing to explain…especially to someone who hasn’t experienced it….it’s so much more than just a “bad day” or a “hard time”, and it certainly isn’t something you choose! 


Quotes and platitudes such as: “You’re as happy as you make up your mind to be…” are insulting to those suffering with mental illness! Trust me I have TRIED my hardest to fight against it, in every way that I knew how. Nothing seemed to work…the depression always came back.


After my diagnosis, I slipped into one of the heaviest depressions I had ever experienced. It was a 3 week wait until my next appointment and it felt like the longest 3 weeks of my life. I was grieving…Grieving those 3 years I felt I had lost to my illness. I had always looked forward to becoming a mother, expecting it to be the happiest time of my life…There were some wonderful moments, but the reality is that for me, it was overshadowed by dark and heavy emotions. It just breaks my heart that this is how my story played out…how I wish I could go back and truly enjoy those days…


“I’m confident that we can get you feeling good again,” the psychiatrist said after our second appointment. She is intelligent and experienced, and I trust her. I’ve clung to those words like a life-raft through the waves of emotions that have crashed over me these last few months.


This coming week will be our third appointment together. I’ve been on a new medication for 6 weeks. It hasn’t magically cured me, I’m still very much riding the waves…but upon reflection, I do see small changes, small changes that I desperately hope will grow. 


I don’t want to feel like this anymore; a prisoner in my own life. I want to be here, in this moment and enjoy it. 

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